How NOT To Kiss: 11 Tips From A Serial Kisser

How to kiss? The eternal question of teen angst muffled into a plagued pillow of frustration. But that’s a stereotype; a lot of adults can’t kiss for shit either (trust me, I know). Watching porn won’t solve the question; you need to get out there and feel your way through it. But help is at hand – If you figure out how NOT to kiss, you’re halfway there. So here are some handy tips for you to pucker up to. Trust me; I’m a fantastic kisser. *As verified by this date

pucker up

*Note: The tone of this article is geared towards guys, but this advice absolutely applies to women as well.

A Slobbery Encounter

First, let’s rewind to me when I was a student. Ah, memories of the young Zainab… I was drunk in a club on campus when I was 20. I was bored, so smiled and walked over to him and said “Hey”. Within half an hour, we were kissing. It wasn’t really kissing though; more like him slobbering around my mouth and forcefully jabbing his tongue like a puppy stuck in a washing machine. I didn’t know how to react, so I lamely stood still against the force of the washing machine and became increasingly turned off. Suffice to say, nobody got laid after that encounter (nope, I wasn’t THAT drunk). That is a prime example of how NOT to kiss.

how not to kiss uni
It was a phase, OK?

1. How NOT to kiss like a washing machine:

washing machine

Don’t move too fast. A good friend once told me he wanted to be passionate and that’s why he was kissing me so forcefully. But you’re not American Psycho trying to snap off my head, so slow the fuck down. Find out what my tongue is doing and mirror it. Kissing is the most important form of foreplay – find a rhythm and build on it, getting more intense gradually. Speed or forcefulness don’t equate to passion and intensity; it’s all about intimacy, teasing and finding a flow.

2. How NOT to kiss like a statue:

how not to kiss statue

Yes, don’t move too fast. Having said that, don’t NOT move at all. If your tongue standing as the Queen’s Guard, that is not a turn on. If you want to be sexy and compatible, mirror me. It’s ALL about mirroring movements, like a salsa dance where we’re both in charge and following each other at the same time.

3. How NOT to kiss like a slobbery dog:

dog slobbering

Don’t let your spit go all over my face. Your saliva inside my mouth is a good thing, because it’s kissing lube, it’s got testosterone in it to make me feel happy, plus we’ve got a group of genes called the MHC (major histocompatibility complex). These bad boys form part of our immune system. We are attracted to people with different MHC genes from us, because when we mate, BOOM we make a healthy baby. So, we assess that when we sample spit. Aaaanyway. Moral of the story is that spit is good inside the mouth. But outside? Ewwww.

4. How NOT To kiss like a Guillotine:

guillotine

Don’t bite my tongue. Please. It hurts me and it feels like Anne Boleyn’s head about to get the chop. Caressing or sucking on my tongue (sounds gross but isn’t) make the kiss exciting. I don’t mind feeling your teeth in between everything else. But biting it? Please God, no. End the torture. 

5. How NOT To kiss like a stinky skunk:

how not to kiss skunk

Don’t have bad breath. Just don’t. Keeping chewing gum or mints on a date is the oldest trick in the book and it’s so easy. A build-up of bacteria that smells like sulphur is a deal-breaker for one in four Brits and unless you have an amazing personality (in which case, why the fuck didn’t you use Listerine?) I am strongly inclined to agree with them. It signals a lack of effort and possible gum disease/bad diet. On another note, if we have sex and you have morning breath, please be polite and kiss my cheek/forehead until you brush. Or be really generous and go down under instead 😉. Then brush.

6. How NOT to kiss like dental equipment:

dentist

Remember: You have lips – use them! I didn’t sign up for teeth-sex here. Just using teeth and tongues is incredibly unsexy and feels like we’re skeletons boning (pun intended) with lots of pleasure cut out from foreplay. My lips are the most sensitive place on my body – don’t waste all of those sexy Receptor cells. Press and brush your lips against mine and move your mouth in sync to me. Lip balm is also your BFF.

7. How NOT to kiss like the Hadron Collider:

smashing glass

OK so, lips are good. A gentle brush, comfortable pressure, a little more pressure – All great. Build up that intensity, but please don’t slam your lips on mine as if you’re trying to break the atom! You’ll crack my jaw. Again forcefulness doesn’t always equate to smouldering intensity. Imagine how I feel at the receiving end of your kiss; empathy is your friend here.

8. How NOT to kiss like a deserted cave:

how not to kiss cave

A gentle peck on the lips is nice at the right time. But I’m talking full-on snogging here. And in full-on snogging, you shouldn’t be shy of your tongue. If I fancy you, I will not be satisfied with your lips touching mine and then… That’s it. How are you going to mirror my tongue and get that saliva in me if you’re being boring? What about my fix of dopamine? I want to feel your tongue, so get French on me.

9. How NOT to kiss like Trump:

how not to kiss trump

Uh oh, here’s a stinker. Don’t move to my boobs/butt/crotch before you sense I’m OK with it. Ever. Like I said, kissing is the foreplay of the foreplay. What’s the rush? You will alarm me if you grab instead of touch. Maybe don’t even go there on the first kiss/date. If I tense when you move your hand lower, then stop immediately and back off. Use your senses. Having said that…

10. How NOT to kiss like a Vestal Virgin:

how not to kiss vestal virgin

Don’t keep your hands still and be clueless. I’m not a nun and there’s no need to be awkward. I won’t slap you for feeling me if we’re already kissing. There are loads of safe places you have a free pass to explore: the back of my neck, my hair, my cheek, my jaw, the small of my back, my waist. Then my butt – but only if you can sense it’s OK when it gets heated.

11. How NOT to kiss like the Undead:

how not to kiss undead

Don’t open your eyes. It’s creepy as fuck and makes you seem like you’re not into it/ a cold scrutinizing sociopath/ a White Walker.

Learn something? I bloody well hope so. We’re always learning and getting better at kissing, as shown by my #Kasanova experience. Kissing well is a journey, not a natural gift you’re either born with or deprived of. Anyway, I’ll end with a story of a really fucking awesome kickass kiss. I mean, he was half French…

Melting In A Hurricane

It was midnight and I was walking through Campuhan Ridge in Bali with my gorgeous and intelligent French/Algerian date. I joked tipsily that I had ‘kidnapped’ him, because the scenic walk is deserted after sunset. It was pitch black and silent as we walked forward, led by the light of our mobile flashlights. The sexual tension was electric and I knew he wanted me. (Oh my god, this sounds like a Jackie Collins novel, but it’s true!)

how not to kiss campuhan ridge
Campuhan Ridge walk during the day, when it’s not frisky.

After a while, I said “OK stop” and tiptoed to touch his lips lightly to mine. He leaned in and everything that followed can only be described as melting in a hurricane. I was pretty sober by that point but each time I came up for air (not that many of those) my head, chest and gut were all spinning in euphoria and arousal (yep, I just said that); I had to steady myself to not fall off the cliff. That was months ago and I remember every detail. Kissing well is very fucking important.

Dyu know, I could even write a FREE e-book on the art of ‘How To Kiss’, as well as ‘How NOT To Kiss’ backed by interviews, scientific research and surveying ordinary folk from the tindersphere and beyond. Just an idea… 

In the meantime, get your fix of more dating wisdom HERE 🙂

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