Breakups suck. Let’s not beat around the bush. You feel like you’ve been punched in the gut and there’s nothing but this nasty hollow feeling inside. Me and the gorgeous Eve Greenow, a fellow dating blogger at Never Settle were chatting about it at The Dating Awards 2017 and decided to combine our blogging powers for the greater good of single-kind and make a KILLER article on how to get through that breakup like a boss. And here it is!!!
*Note: Some of this advice may seem written towards women (me and Eve are both female, we can’t help it), but it totally can apply to guys too.
I love Eve’s mature approach to dating and relationships and her articles are refreshingly uplifting and honest. She is inspired by her own journey and is fascinated by dating and relationship psychology – Check her out HERE :).
Anyway. Here are the 20 ways to get through a breakup like a boss that we came up with together. Have you ever used one or more of these strategies?
1. Allow yourself to feel
Zainab says: Emotions are energy in motion; they need an outlet. Suppressing and avoiding negative feelings will not make them go away. Crying, screaming and sobbing dramatically when it’s just ended and allowing yourself to face those emotions that come with the breakup will help you come to terms with them and gradually take the edge off their pain. There is no shame in feeling. Accept your pain – You know that empty feeling? It’s totally normal and OK to have at this point.
Eve says: Go on, bawl your eyes out. Let out all the grief, the loss and emotion, even though it doesn’t feel like it now: your eyes will run out of tears eventually, and you’ll feel the relief which comes with crying. Crying is designed to let out all that built up stress and emotion – let it all out and don’t feel ashamed to do so.
2. Talk it out
Zainab says: Speaking about it will help to arrange your thoughts and lighten the load of your feelings. First port of call is your BFF, who will offer constructive advice and help you see the breakup in a positive but realistic way. You don’t want someone to just say “I’m so sorry”, it’s better to have people who help you to see what lies ahead. Choose selectively who you offload to; posting dirty laundry on social media will only expose you in front of the whole world when you’re most vulnerable and nobody there will actually help.
3. Do not beg for them back
Eve says: This is a biggie.
If you want them back, and make it work – or if you feel there is unfinished business, you MUST NOT text or phone or beg for them back. I know you know this, but this will push them away.
Refrain from the line of thinking, ‘if only I can see them and persuade them’, because you can’t.
If you want them back – they need to come to YOU, apologizing with open arms and a whole lot of valid reasons. Even if you delete them off everything – if they really want you, they should know where to look to find you in person.
If they don’t, then why are you fighting for someone who clearly doesn’t want you? Who won’t fight for you or your relationship?
Never settle for someone who has proven that they don’t want you. And if they change their mind- make sure they fight, don’t go back to them easily. Make sure you thoroughly ensure they were sorry. Petty excuses aren’t good enough for breaking your heart.
4. Block them / Cut all ties
Zainab says: Do NOT stay friends. You need closure. On Facebook, Whatsapp, Twitter, Instagram and every other social media platform and means of communication. It’s called ‘breakup’, because it’s broken, A.K.A. over. Stalking, passive aggressive behaviour or scheming to get them back will not help you get over them. Going cold turkey on them will hurt more at first, but you’ll be able to move on from the breakup quicker. If it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be.
Eve says: Delete their number, delete them off all social media – Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Whatsapp, Pinterest, and be done with it.
Don’t try and convince yourself that keeping them on one is a good idea – stalking their Instagram feed WILL become your life if you do.
5. Listen to music
Zainab says: Have some songs that you reserve just for breakups. These songs are all about YOU and never about boyfriend/girlfriend memories. They can be sad, empowering, whatever you want, but they’re ultimately your therapy and the words for your feelings – so pump up the volume! My favourites are Adele and Sia when I’m feeling dark and Missy Elliot and Beyonce… and recently Dua Lipa when I realize I’m better off being totally awesome single. Stay the hell away from the romantic mushy stuff.
6. Indulge in reading
Eve says: Remember all those books you meant to read, but could never find the time to do so? Read them now. Reading calms you, and you find yourself lost in another world. It is the perfect escape for someone hurting from a breakup.
7. Write it down
Zainab says: Make a burn book for your breakup – seriously; there is no better time to channel your inner Mean Girl. Note down how you feel every day, write a big, long letter to your ex that you NEVER send, write a short story about your relationship from the beginning to end and then write ‘The End’. Hell, you could even blog about it (keeping them anonymous) 😉. Don’t edit your feelings and raw emotions. Writing in itself is therapeutic (I definitely think so). It also helps you to reflect honestly, gain insights and see things in perspective.
8. Remember all the reasons you broke up
Eve says: I always say, it’s so easy to look back on a relationship with rose tinted glasses – to only remember the good bits and forget all the reasons which fundamentally proved you weren’t right together.
Remember the facts: why did you break up? If it came as a shock, and out of the blue, then is this someone who you want to spend your life with?
Someone who’d break your heart without explanation and leave you to pick up the pieces? When you love someone, hurting them should be something we actively avoid.
If they’ve hurt you in the worst way, by breaking your heart: you deserve better.
9. Get into an intense workout routine
Zainab says: The poor girl watching films and binging on Ben n Jerry’s is such a cliché. You need to channel your breakup rage into something positive and endorphin-generating and yoga just won’t cut it this time. Boxing, bootcamps, high intensity cardio – those are all amazing options. Go to the gym and see what works with you and your anger.
10. Have a ‘reinvention’ makeover
Eve says: There is nothing better to affirm your newly single status by getting a bit of a makeover. Throw out all those old tatty slob clothes. Invest in some great new underwear. Experiment with your style and hit the gym.
Feeling good about your appearance gives you a confidence boost and makes you feel as though your life is moving in the right direction.
11. Have some key phrases that you say to yourself
Zainab says: Give yourself a pep talk every morning reminding yourself that it will be OK and you’re awesome. Some key phrases you could use are: “I love myself”, “I will make myself happy”, “F*ck him/her”, “I am better off single, because__” and “I’ve been through worse, I’ll get through this”. Saying it to yourself consciously will solidify this knowledge in your mind, leaving you ready to tackle a new day.
12. Do you
Zainab says: Remember all those things you wanted to do when you were single but couldn’t do in your relationship? Those friends they were too possessive to let you meet? That bucket list they weren’t adventurous enough for? That place they didn’t want to see? The ambitious career path that would take time away from your relationship? That hobby you didn’t have time to pursue? Well, now’s the time to do it all! Your breakup is an opportunity to make yourself happy, not a bad thing. Make the most of this time and relish being an amazing individual.
Eve says: Make a list of all the things you love to do, and begin to make plans to do them. Whether you watch a new Netflix series or plan a new exercise regime, fill your life with things that you love to do. All the time you used to spend concentrating on your ex, means you are now free to lead your life exactly how you want to.
13. Spend time with people you care about
Zainab says: Surrounding yourself with positive vibes and people who value you will help ease away those negative thoughts about yourself and nurse your heart and ego a bit. Meet your friends and family, talk to them about it when you feel OK to and laugh. Meet new people and make new friends. Hibernating with a snotty pillow will only get you so far.
Eve says: Your friends will be there for you every step of the way when you first break up with your partner. After everything, it is also important to make sure the conversations aren’t all about you and appreciate how solid they have been for you when going through this tough time.
Show them how much you appreciate your friends by planning fun activities with them and making the most of the time you spend together.
The same goes for family. You have fewer commitments as a single. Visit family often. It gives you a warm glow inside, and they no doubt will cheer you up and be there for you when you feel a bit blue too.
14. Help others
Zainab says: Right now, you’re focusing a lot on yourself and micro-analyzing every emotion you have. Which is a good thing, but to prevent the possibility of getting victim syndrome or to distract yourself from your own breakup issues, help someone else in need of a shoulder to cry on or volunteer to make a difference with people less fortunate. I mean, people go through so much and at the end of the day, we’re lucky to be alive and well.
15. Organize your space / Have fun redecorating
Zainab says: A breakup is a new start and with that comes a clear-out. Tidy up, throw out unnecessary things and remove painful memories, make your place comfortable for YOU.
Eve says: There is nothing better than redecorating and bringing new homely things into your life. Even if you didn’t live together, creating a change of scene will help distance yourself from memories of your ex and start your new single life feeling fresh and confident.
Clear out all of their things and then change your room or house so it’s the way that you want it to be. Surround yourself with beautiful things that make you happy. Create a happy space, where you can truly relax.
16. Identify all your dark feelings
Zainab says: Do you want to burn their house down? Great. Write it in the burn book – Just don’t act it out! All the irrational, angry, dark stuff needs to come out of your system and be vented. You wouldn’t really burn their house, but it’s a thought. Get it out of your head but accept it with dark humour. Write everything down.
17. Use an app
Zainab says: Yup, there’s an app for everything – including your breakup. Mend provides you with short audio training and a guided writing activity every day. It also gives access to motivational advice, stories and interviews. You’ll then graduate to the ‘Moving On’ program, which aims to help redefine your sense of self and rebuild your life. The first month is free. Another app is Rx Breakup, which tackles fresh topics every day and provides pep talks – this is completely free.
18. Go see a film by yourself / Take yourself out to dinner
Eve says: There are some newly single person challenges that make you feel more independent and strong once you achieve them. Going to the cinema by yourself is one of them. Choose a movie your ex would never have wanted to see. Grab a big box of popcorn, get comfy in your seat, and enjoy.
Another single person challenge is to take yourself out for dinner. Now that you aren’t being wined and dined by your ex, it is important to treat yourself. Being able to spend time by yourself and enjoy your own company is a must!
19. Flirt outrageously
Eve says: Flirting is loads of fun. While you might be a bit out of practice, your new single status means you need to up your flirting game pronto. Flirt with anyone and everyone. It’s just a bit of fun but having a flirty conversation with that hot server you get coffee from every morning boosts your confidence. It is bound to put a smile on your face again.
20. Start dating again
Zainab says: Wait until the tears have dried. At first it may feel weird and you’ll hesitate, thinking you’ll never find someone like them, that the dating pool has dried up, that you don’t know how to date, etc. etc. just do it. You won’t vibe with everyone and certainly won’t have chemistry with all your dates. But you will be moving on and you will probably meet some cool people. And some of them you will have chemistry with. After a while, you’ll reflect on all the great dates you’ve had (and the shit ones) and ask yourself what you saw in your ex in the first place. And then you’ll be able to reflect on that relationship without anger or hurt; it will just be another chapter in your story. This breakup will be a distant dot in your past.
Eve says: While you might not be able to even think about dating anyone else at first, there will be a point in your single life where you feel ready to explore the dating game again.
The best way to approach this is with a sense of fun and expect nothing serious. If you immediately go on a desperate search to find the love of your life (preferably so you can smugly parade them in front of you ex at parties) you’ll only feel sad and let down when your date doesn’t match up.
Just put your feelers out and enjoy it for what it is. You never know what might happen. It’s all good practice after all.
You will be fine and you will get through this. You are not alone – loads and loads of people are getting through a breakup as I type. Yes, it’s shit, but it’s like a kid growing new teeth; painful…. but with new growth and benefits. Weird analogy I know. Let me know your own breakup busting tips and share this with anyone who’s going through a breakup and needs a boost and a new perspective. Massive thanks to Eve for making this with me!!
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