Valentine’s Day is looming upon us this week. And it’s a bit like drinking a kale, avocado and spinach super smoothie, or going to a completely pointless networking event; it adds nothing to our lives. But we feel that we have to go to the awkward restaurant dinners at restaurants packed with other awkward diners, eat steak and chocolate and HAVE to have sex… otherwise we’ll look bad in comparison to other couples. So, just to celebrate the fact that Valentine’s is indeed pointless and to give all the singletons out there a reason not to feel shitty, here are the most epic Valentine’s fails I found on the internet. Enjoy :).
1. How Valentine’s day started
Valentine’s day started with an execution – which is a fail if you ask me. It all began on February the 14th 270 AD when the Roman Emperor Claudius, or ‘Claudius The Cruel’ ordered the priest St. Valentine to be beaten with clubs and beheaded. Why? Because the Emperor was involved in many unpopular military campaigns and needed a strong army. Many men were unwilling to join it, because of their strong attachment to wives and families. So, Claudius banned all marriages and engagements in Rome. Valentine defied him and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret until he was caught. OK fine, that’s kind of romantic. But…
The pagan festival of Lupercalia isn’t romantic. From February 13th-15th, Roman men sacrificed goats and dogs and then whipped women with their hides to make them fertile. Lovely. Then in 496 AD Pope Gelasius I decided to put an end to pagan festivals and pronounced the 14th of February Valentines day.
So if you’re not feeling Valentine’s day, you could enlighten your friends on how it all started with military campaigns, an execution and whipping women.
Anyway. On to the more recent Valentine’s fails tackling the modern-day gift exchange conundrum.
Many, many people give shitty gifts that will make you glad to be single
Here are some of them:
2. Proposing In A and E
3. Pre-planning to the extreme
4. Making butt holes a bit too yummy
5. Giving edible underwear to their SO
6. Taking matching outfits too far
7. And even further… Why?!
8. It’s the effort that counts…
9. Frying a penis
10. Giving organ toys when soft toys just won’t cut it
11. Drilling a hole in their heart
11. And in case they haven’t gotten the hint…
In case that hasn’t made the singletons snigger, here’s some of the godawful stuff Redditors said had happened on Valentine’s day last year on this thread in r/AskReddit:
Redditors’ Worst Valentine’s Fails
12. u/gfjq23: “My dad bought my mom a pencil sharpener one year for Valentine’s Day. It was the only gift he ever bought her on that day.”
13. u/raffagapro: “Last Valentines, MY gf found a sweater that my ex left a long time ago in my closet. I didn´t have the heart to tell her it was from my ex, so I said I had bought it for her for Valentines. She was so suprised [sic] and happy, and she absolutly loves the sweater, she wears it all the time..”
14. u/wacht: “Once I ordered my girlfriend flowers that didn’t arrive (or were stolen from the porch), so I gave her the delivery confirmation instead.
It was not as funny as I thought it would be.”
15. u/AMontyPython: “I bought an ex gf one of every Valentine’s Day gift; bear, candy, lingerie, wine, balloons, all of it. She got me a turtle that sings “Can’t Hurry Love”. Took me a while to get that hint.”
While this article was intended to make you laugh, it has a deeper intention behind it. Yes, it’s nice to show our love and appreciation for the people we care about in our lives… but why not do this on a regular basis? Putting too much pressure on one day to try and make everything perfect for someone can get out of control if we’re not careful and it leaves some people left out. So it’s also useful to see the silly side of it all. Happy Valentine’s anyway, whether you’re celebrating or Netflix binging :).
And if you need more epic fails, check out these Halloween-worthy date horror stories!